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Me: About my pay - it’s been 4 weeks since the due date and I haven’t received any money yet.

Client: What? Why are you wasting my time with this? It isn’t an issue until it’s at least 6 weeks overdue.

Client: I think my keyboard is broken.

Me: What makes you think that?

Client: When I login and type my password, whatever key I press shows up as a little black dot.

Me: How do you want your customers to pay for your products on your site?  I suggest using PayPal.

Client: What’s PayPal? Can I just have them send cash or write checks and mail it to my address?

Me: We’ll add security to your contact form so that you won’t get spammed. No one likes that.

Client: Actually, I enjoy spam every now and then. 

Me: Spam in your inbox? 

Client: They can do that!?

The client was thinking of the meat Spam. 

Client: Make the logo bigger.

Me: There really isn’t any space.

Client: Make space.

I make the image a bit smaller and the logo 3% larger.

Client: Whoa whoa whoa! No need to make the logo Mario on mushrooms!

I make the image 2% larger than the original. 

Client: Now it seems smaller than what we started with! Why don’t you put a bit of thought into this and stop making such ridiculous changes!?

I was doing publicity for a client.

Me: A reporter from Detroit News wants to interview you tomorrow. What time are you available?

Client: 10am. What station will it be on?

Me: It won’t be on a station - Detroit News is a newspaper.

Client: Okay.

Me: So you’re all set for 10am.

Client: Great. What is the station’s call letters? I like to research the station prior to the interview.

Me: This isn’t a radio interview. A reporter from Detroit News, a newspaper in Detroit, will be calling you to do a phone interview. She’ll then write a story based off your interview.

Client: Oh, so it’s for print?

Me: Yes, exactly.

Client: Like a magazine? 

Me: Yeah, but a newspaper. 

Client: Oh, why didn’t you just say it was for a newspaper? 

Client: We won’t be paying. We didn’t use your material.

Me: You didn’t? I saw the brochure today, it is exactly what I designed for you.

Client: No, it isn’t. You sent us a PDF of the document. We did not print the PDF, we took a screen capture of it and pasted it into Word. That’s what we printed.

Me: Regardless of format, I designed it. I delivered what we agreed upon in the contract you signed.

Client: Well, we didn’t print from your file, we used it in a different format. 

Me: Okay, I think you’re misunderstanding something. I’ll have my lawyer explain it to you on Monday.

Client: Can you print this for me?

Me: No, it has Elmo on it.

Client: I bought it off Etsy, and she said I could get it printed here.

Me: Elmo is trademarked. I can’t print copyrighted material.

Client: I have permission to print this from the artist on Etsy.

Me: Do they own Elmo’s trademark?

Client: I’m confident they do. 

Client: All our sites are down!

Me: Seems fine here.

Client: We pay you to maintain this stuff, not cause more problems!

Me: I didn’t take your sites down. How do you know it’s my fault?

Client: It can’t be our fault! Our internet doesn’t even seem to be working!

Me: So your username is your employee number, without the “e” and with an extra zero on the end.

Client: Is that a capital zero? Or just the little one?

Me: Just the number, zero.

Client: So upper case?

Client: I’ve tried logging in with the username and password you sent me yesterday. It’s not working and frankly I don’t have time to mess around with passwords.

Me: Send me your username and password and I’ll try it from our end. 

Client: Sure my username is Susan1456 and my password is Donkey

Me: OK, I logged in straight away. This is really weird, I can’t think why it’s not working for you. Can you send me a screenshot of what you can see on our website?

Client sent a screenshot of what they were looking at.

Me: I see what the problem. You’re not on our website.

The next day I got an email saying “Thank you, I have now logged in. You should have asked me what website I was on to save me time.”

Me: You haven’t paid me in awhile, do you think you can write me a check today?

Client: No, I’ve run out of money.

Me: But last week you told me I could invoice you weekly.

Client: Yes, and you can.  What’s your point?

Me: It’s been a few weeks. I’m working every day for you and keeping careful track of my hours and submitting an invoice at the end of every week, under the assumption I’ll get paid for my work.

Client: I said you could invoice me, I never said I could pay you.

Client: Where is the website for our new program going?

Me: The Internet

Client: Oh, that makes sense. 

Client: I hate the website you designed and built for me, it’s not what I wanted.

Me: You approved the design before I built it.

Client: I know I approved it, but where does that imply it’s what I wanted?

Client: [9:52am] Are you well enough to talk?

Me: [9:57am] They are prepping me for my surgery at 10am

Client: [10:02am] Okay. Just wanted to know if you can clean up a few of these pictures or if we have to go back to the photographer? This is kind of urgent, so let me know ASAP.